It has been a reflective summer for me, the first since 1970 I have not spent these precious weeks anticipating the coming school year, either as a student or as a teacher. I have had time to pull weeds and plant flowers in the beds Edward built for me twenty-four years ago. I have taken many morning walks accompanied by bird-song and lake breezes. I started playing tennis with a very gracious group of ladies and gentlemen who have played forty or more years and who have been quite patient and encouraging with this beginner. I’ve had time to work in my vegetable garden, even though the deer have pillaged it twice.
My professional career as a teacher is ended and although I miss my students, my curriculum and the teachers I worked with, I am grateful for reduced stress, increased rest, and a healing sense of my own worth after feeling like an exhausted, cracking cog in the relentless testing machine (that used to be public education) for too long.
Our oldest daughter is learning my husband’s trade and looking to the future as a self-employed business owner while making forever plans with her boyfriend. Our middle daughter graduated college in May, has made several road trips with friends, moved out of our home and in with her older sister, and recently signed her first teaching contract. Our youngest daughter has completed high-school and will leave in one month for university life. Several times when we were the only ones in the house for a couple of hours, she and I have made a gigantic bowl of salty, buttery popcorn, iced down a large Coca-Cola, and put on a movie to watch, chattering through it as friends will do, enjoying each other’s air-conditioned company in these last long, lazy, hot days before she leaves.
So what now? I am in an area I don’t have a map for, no lesson plans, no papers to grade, no meetings to attend, no testing or technology trainings, no continuing education credits to earn, no certifications to renew, nothing on the horizon, no goals I am accountable for to any supervisor or administrator. The pavement has ended. There are no more street lights. No road signs. I’m not even sure there is a road. And still I am moving forward, into a murky unknown, wondering what the future will reveal to Edward and me and our girls.
And I’m okay with that.
There are things I want to do, things I am doing. Places I want to go. People I want to spend time with. I have never cared for the idea of a bucket-list, so I’m not making lists, nor am I anticipating kicking the bucket, although undoubtedly that is part of the misty future. Squared that away six years ago with a cancer diagnosis, and as my friend Kim says, “If that’s what gets me, at least I know how I went!”
My goals now would never appear in a Personal Development Plan like the ones I had to fill out and submit for approval every year of my professional life nor would they be acceptable if they did. They are not measurable by any test, and they don’t tie in to any standards except those of my own making. They can’t be bubbled in or scanned, nor are they observable to the infrequent clip-board or laptop-bearing visitor. They are:
Share joy. Seek hope. Pursue peace. Lift light.
It is so hard to not anticipate, when I have spent my whole life looking forward. Planning. Knowing in detail what was coming next, what was on the calendar. But this time is for the moment. The now. The future will come of its own and too quickly be the past. I like the way Van Morrison describes it in his 1970 recording, “Into the Mystic” :
Hark, now hear the sailors cry, smell the sea and feel the sky,
Let your soul and spirit fly, into the mystic…
Wishing you unexpected joy, unquenchable hope, peace that passes understanding, and reflective light for the murky places you may encounter on your own path.
4 thoughts on “Into the Mystic…”
Once again Tamara you have touched my soul and said so eloquently what a lot of us must be feeling as we enter these years of our lives! I just read in devotional and it said “it’s time to move from this mountain!” So I guess there are new heights for all of us to climb! Enjoy this beautiful summer!
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So good to hear from you Jenny. I really am enjoying this time, but feel very much like I’m just drifting, even though I’m getting more rest and more exercise and volunteering in things I’ve wanted to do for years. I guess it’s okay to be more Mary and less Martha, at least until I figure out what my next great adventure is! Hope you’re enjoying summer too.
Great post! I’m really enjoying reading your thoughts and memories each week. I too am adjusting to life without everything scheduled and planned out. It’s an on-going process, and I’m still getting used to not having to do something, but rather doing something because I want to do it. Life is good!
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts Kay. I am really enjoying the flexibility, but still not quite able to define who or what I am growing into. Every descriptor refers to the past and to endings – retired, empty-nester, etc. Excited to see what new beginnings lie over the horizon!